Near Death Experiences

Today I almost died. A giant truck came speeding around the corner as i was crossing the street and, no joke, stopped just barely 4 or 5 inches from me. My only reaction was to put my hand up as if to say "sista, please" and look at the truck in a slightly annoyed manner. For a moment I really thought I could stop the truck with my hand and immediately after the event I had the following two thoughts:

- Man, can't believe I just thought I was going to stop this stupid truck with just my hand. Who do I think I am, Superman?

- Hmmmm, I wonder if the new Superman movie comes out in Chile this week.

If I had died my last thought would have been about the new Superman movie. I need to acknowlegde my cat-like reflexes and to appreciate how important my life has been to me that when I am faced with death I think about something completely insignificant. I don't even like Superman! Then when I told people about 'the incident' later on you can take a wild guess what they said...."Oh, you have to be careful." Did I mention anywhere that I was THROWING MYSELF AT SPEEDING TRUCKS? No sir, I don't believe I did.

That's all I have to say about that.

- E

p.s. The guy who was standing next to me on the corner before I almost died was totally fighting with the truck driver about it afterwards because I — being a freak and at the same time totally freaked out — just kept crossing the street. I just want to say I appreciate that guy because he really gave that truck driver a piece of my mind, except for the Superman bit. He kept that to himself, thankfully.

Yellow Panties

Neal Pollack is a doll. Please humor me by reading some of this.


So, I keep hearing about this very strange thing people do as a tradition for New Years here in Chile. By 'people' I mean mostly women. And by 'keep hearing' I mean I've been told twice. But, moving on, I hear it's a tradition to wear yellow panties for New Years. It's supposed to bring good luck or something, which makes absolutely no sense to me at all. Can anyone explain this? I mean other things are really stupid but have some logic behind them, but yellow panties? I can't even fathom what that might be about. It's probably something like how I used to wear camel-colored underwear for luck. I'm pretty sure there was some logic behind that action but god knows I can't for the life of me remember what it was. Although I have the vague sense it has some relation to the fact that some slutty girl I know was sick one day and kept saying 'cabel' instead of 'camel.' That seems to ring a bell.

Anyhoo, I got to thinking, I don't own any yellow underwear! I have tons of other colors including about eight variations of gray/black (it goes with everything!) but I don't have even one yellow panty. This poses two problems. One, now that I have been made aware that I don't own yellow underwear, I want a pair. And two, something about buying underwear in this country just doesn't seem appealing to me. I'm sure it's the same shit they use in the states but for some reason I just don't trust it. Plus, they have not yet reached the low-rise-bikini-brief stage of underwear technology and that is unacceptable.

On a related note, I got into a conversation with a group of students the other day on men's boxer briefs. Gentlemen, I am telling you now — from the extensive research that I have done — that women in general prefer men to wear boxer briefs. It also helps if you're like this giant Swedish/Chilean guy who is not at all — but somehow still completely — attractive.....Um, I mean, it helps if you're tall. So, get some BBs and some height and you're all set. Go to it, boys.

Da da da,
- E

Lazy Blogger, will you get up?

Man, have I been lazy with my blogging or what? Well, in all fairness, my mother and younger brother arrived last week and I've been plenty busy trying to keep from killing them since then. No, I'm kidding, I love them.

Here are some quotes from my mom in the past couple of days so that you can understand just how much I love her:

"You have something in your hair. It looks weird...oh, I think it's just dirty."

"Your jeans are torn at the bottom. That's how I used to wear them when I was in college."

"Did you say goodbye to everybody? You're not going to see them again today."

"Oh, that's so nice of him. Did you say thank you?"

Come to think of it, all of those were just today. Goodtimes.cl.

Oh, speaking of today, guess who is only now enjoying the fruits of the Catholic church's labor? That would be, uh, moi. Today was some real Catholic holiday (St. Peter and St. Paul Day) and I got the day off. Not-so-oddly everytime someone mentioned St. Peter and St. Paul today I thought about Peter, Paul and Mary and was surprised that my mother did not make that same connection and start singing one of their songs. I suppose she was too busy thinking about what was wrong with my face and wondering whether or not I had bothered to acknowledge the existence of others.

Her loss.

- E

p.s. i can totally blog about her now because she's here and she's probably not reading this. haHA!

Filthy Hilarious

There is this thing that happens on pretty much every bus ride here and that is that someone gets on the bus either selling something completely useless or asking for money. Occassionally they try to entertain you with some ridiculous thing and usually they fail. And it's not that I care if they use the money for drugs or for new sneakers or if they take the money and eat it, it's just that if I start giving money then I will feel guilty for not giving everyone money and then I'll spend all of my goddamn coins feeding people's drug and/or coin eating habits. So, I've been sticking to my guns on this policy that I will not give money to people that come on the bus asking for it, unless of course they're selling something I have some interest in — but that almost never happens.

Today, though, I broke the seal. This completely filthy but hilarious looking guy came on the bus with his guitar and started singing this song about the government and how they're screwing everybody over and blah blah blah. I'm sure he took this very seriously and, actually, he had a really good singing voice, but for whatever reason I found the whole spectacle incredibly funny. I felt obligated to give the guy some money because I was genuinely entertained and he seemed really grateful in an I'm-crazy-and-on-drugs way and I loved it. Although now I'm kind of pissed because I'm going to have to start developing a whole system of selection in order to decide who I can and can't give money too and knowing myself this will involve a lot of time and effort.

I suppose I am just a sucker for a man with a guitar.

On a side note, I FINALLY found a student that understands my Seinfeld references and now I can rest in peace.

Is anyone disturbed by the things that disturb me in life? It's tough to see them in print, I gotta tell ya.

Loves,
E

Eye Hair

I've been giving a lot of thought to what I miss the most about the US and I've decided on one thing: eyebrow threading. Lately I've been walking around looking like I have gorilla eyebrows because I'm too lazy to pluck them and waxing, in comparison to threading, sucks a lot.

For those of you unfamiliar with this brilliant method of eye hair removal, here's a pic:



It looks terribly painful, but it's not all that bad. Anyway, what makes the situation worse is not that I can't find an eyebrow threading place or that NO ONE has ever heard of eyebrow threading in this country, but that my mother is constantly telling me when she goes to get her eyebrows threaded and how great it is and how much better it is then waxing. And, THAT situation wouldn't be so stressing if it wasn't for the fact that I was the one who tried for like a year to convince her to get her eyebrows threaded because it was better and she refused and now SHE is all going to get her eyebrows threaded all the time while I am stuck here looking like an ape and being too lazy to do anything about it.

So, that's what I miss the most. For now.

Loves,
- E

P.S. My mother and little brother arrive in Chile in five days. And counting.

Brothers and ham and soccer, oh my.

Few things to blog about today.

First, I did it again. Ooops.

Before this morning, I hadn't purchased any deli products in a long time. But, today I felt like a turkey sandwich and before I realized it, I was headed to my aunt's house with enough turkey to feed a small African country. DAMN IT KILOS!

Second, the other day — and in light of all the rain that had fallen — a co-worker and I were discussing things that we missed about the states. He said he misses 'proper drainage systems' (although that specific vocabulary was mine and not his) and I don't remember what I said I missed the most but I'm guessing I mumbled something like "farentheit, pounds and a lack of physical affection." Later him and another co-worker discussed the fact that I am grouchy and complain about everything and, actually, that conversation was quite enjoyable for me.

Third, World Cup Fever is in full effect and I have no option but to suck it up and enjoy it. This weekend alone I watched FOUR soccer games and that is about four more than I've watched in my whole life. That being said, some of them were kind of fun and all of them were more exciting than watching football. Although, the US sucked a lot and since everyone thinks I am their official US representative they have to make comments and ask me questions about American sports. The best thing ever was realizing the other day that I was actually explaining baseball to one of my students. Me! Explaining baseball! Who have I become?

Lastly, because I will do anything to please my brothers, the eldest of the two has taken to complaining that he doesn't get as much content on this blog as everyone else (namely Abby who he is oh-so-jealous of) and so here is something to soothe the pain of living without me:

My brother on why the premise of Cars is stupid: "Cars with human characteristics is just a dumb idea. it doesn't work. it leaves too many un answered questions... like 'who makes the cars?'

Me on why other things don't make sense either: "oh yeah cause talking toys...that makes a ton of sense. or animals."

My brother not letting go of his point: "you forgot monsters. completely made up monsters make more sense than talking cars. like through out the movie the cars kept using foot peddles to control things... and i kept thinking... 'who makes the foot peedles?' they have no opposable thumbs.... no opposable thumbs people... they can't hold things!"

It is important to note that he thinks rats with human characteristics are significantly more believable. And there you have it people. Logic at it's best.

Goodnight and good luck.

- E

Engagement FEVAH!

As of earlier this week, not one but TWO of my friends are now engaged. I say two because we'll just go ahead and say that each couple counts as one friend — that kind of makes me feel better.

Anyway, not that I'm not happy for them both, because — Mark and Vic, Karla and Laz, I totally am — but who is running around getting engaged?! I mean WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?! Seriously.

Here are the circumstances under which you are telling me this news:
- my mother has decided she wants to be a grandmother and guess who she is looking at to fulfill that wish
- my mother has also decided that I have to get married before I have children
- every weekend without fail my uncle says to me "what if you fall in love with a Chilean guy and get married?"
- once a week without fail someone else in my family says to me "what if you fall in love with a Chilean guy and get married?"
- i have no interest in getting married.

The way I see it, once my friends start getting married it's all downhill for me. After I start going to weddings I will have to start going to baby showers and then to see babies and then more baby showers and probably more weddings and, let's face it, an occasional divorce party (do people have those?). Before any of you realize it I will be old and still too self-involved for children or husbands.

On that note, I am terribly upset with both Mark Kelly and Victoria Cancelli. One because Mark did not tell me he was planning to propose. Clearly these things have to be run by Eugenia BEFORE they happen and two because Cancelli did not even send me an email or something to tell me but instead told abby and let it filter down. We all know Abby doesn't listen to anything anyone else says and, damn it, if I want details I have to get them firsthand.

But, I am very excited for you jerks and definitely relieved that the big news was not "Victoria is pregnant" which for whatever crazy reason we all assumed was the news even though you guys are totally super Catholic and don't have sex ever so how would that have happened?

Anyway, here are some engagement ring pictures for all of you suckers to gawk at so that I'm not the only one being pressured to find a husband at 23 years of age. Thanks to my family for being a giant pain in the ass and congratulations to all four of the fiancées.

(sidebar: I don't have a picture of Mark and Vic together because they hate each other and never take pictures together. What's with that you guys?)

This is the Cancelli/Kelly ring (oh my god, that sounds dreadful. please don't hyphenate your name.)



This is Karla and Laz on the day their ring was picked up after alterations.



I hope you are all completely mortified that I have published these photos and be prepared because I am already mentally preparing the toasts I will give at your respective weddings.

Congrats you fuckers.

- E

Rain, rain, go away, come again another day

Santiago has this very serious contamination problem. From what I understand the problem is that the city is surrounded by mountains and because of this the air doesnt go up, it just kind of sits. The only time air is released and is therefore (slightly) cleaner is when it rains. This helps explain why all I've heard from people in the last couple of months is "I hope it rains," or "We really need some rain," or "I can't wait until it rains."

Well, they're all bunch of morons. I hate rain. It's inconvenient and cold. I liked rain when I was a kid and I would walk home from school in the fall or the spring when it was hot and it would rain and the water was cold. Then rain was kind of fun, especially since I had no problems with running around and splashing in the rain that very quickly gathered on the street which now makes me think...eeeww, that water is disgusting. But then I was innocent enough to believe water only cleaned things.

Aaaaaaanyway, it's winter here and the rain is cold as all hell and umbrellas do nothing but make us feel like we're protected. Frankly, I prefer the smog and all of the long-term effects of breathing in that nastiness. But, it's been raining for the last couple of day — A LOT — and now the whole damn city is flooded and I have to carry my stupid umbrella around and wear boots even though they don't help and cry cry cry. The worst part is that everyone here is complaining about it when CLEARLY it's all their fault. UGH. What I think happened is that they were doing a communal rain dance in their heads and now they've angered the gods. (You've angered the gods people of Santiago!) It's not gonna stop now. The only end I see in sight is my own. I hope they're all enjoying their stupid clean air.

I hate the rain.

- E

Will post very interesting things tomorrow when I'm not quite as dead from exhaustion. In the meantime chew on this:

Saw Matchpoint today and now I'm totally digging Johnathan Rhys Meyers. Johanssen sucked in it. Anyone else digging the fella and feeling totally disturbed by it? He's like the poor man's Colin Farrell but not a dirty whore and he's got that Joaquin Phoenix strange mouth thing going for him and he may or may not be gay. You decide which of those things you think are attractive if any.

Lovin' him though. Can't explain why.

- E

Three Things

Three completely ridiculous things happened to me today that are all worth sharing.

First, remember when I mentioned how I thought it would be fun to protest after I saw that high school kids were protesting for free standardized testing? Well, they are STILL protesting for the same shit except now it's escalated like a billion times and the whole city has gone insane. The kids are really well-organized and are marching around and yelling things but most are not doing much more than that. Unfortunately the police think we are still living in the 70s and have resorted to throwing tear gas and hosing the kids (and anyone who happens to be nearby) with cold ass water. This is mostly happening downtown where, it just so happens, I had to go teach this afternoon. Luckily I didn't have to run to avoid tear gas, hoses, and closed subway stations but I just barely made it out of the downtown area before chaos broke out. The city has been like this pretty much all week and I'm surprised the smell and contamination downtown didn't kill me today.

Second, after I narrowly escaped the madness this old man on the train started talking to me randomly (which those of you who know me know is an incredibly common occurence for me) and I did something I have always wanted to do: I kept my headphones on with my music playing and I pretended I could hear what he was saying by just smiling and nodding but I have NO CLUE what he was talking about. Then I felt kind of bad and took off the headphones and he was in the middle of some story about some thief who got beat up. That's as much as I could decipher. He asked me where I was going and what I do and then when my stop came up he actually asked me where it is I work so he could visit me. And i was like....uh....and then the doors closed. People are so weird.

Then, the last and most amazing thing was that after the old man incident I changed trains and on this new train there was this teenage couple making out. Not making out but like MAKING OUT. I swear these people were going at it so intensly she must have been chewing on his eyeball via his throat. So, we're all trying really hard not to look at them although they're standing basically in front of me and all of a sudden... biatch just faints. I mean, just boom! on the floor. (Sidebar: my aunt thinks she prob ran out of air from all the making out and well I do know that people can run out of air from laughing *cough*Karla*cough* so I think it's likely). Anyhoo, she woke up right away and then her boyfriend carried her out and it was all very romantic. or not. But, I got this great idea that they should have filmed the whole thing and then started a public service announcement to get people to stop making out on public transportation. Like, show the video and then say "This is what happens when you make out on public transportation! Get a room!" I bet it would work.

Any thoughts?

- E