The Sickness Is Mine

There's this terrible thing about being sick that I think is possibly worse than the actual act of being sick: the fact that everyone you speak to immediately has some ridiculous solution to your ailment that you either already did or couldn't possibly care less about.

I'll give you a perfect example. This evening when I arrived for my 6:45 class, I found one of my co-workers outside smoking a cigarrette. Or rather, he had a lit cigarrette in his hand and a tissue held to his nose.

"What's the matter?" I said.
"My nose is bleeding," he said. And what was my reply?
"Oh, you have to hold your head back so that it stops bleeding."

Don't you just hate me right now? Cause I do. But, it's completely unavoidable. Your first instinct as a human is not to help the other person but merely to be right. As if you — and only you — know how to cure whatever it is that is wrong with this other person. Because, clearly, 'put your head back'? — that is some damn fine (and brand new) advice. He'd never heard that one before.

But, there's a part to this story that makes me a much worse and predictable person. I have this shitty cold and for the last couple of days, at least 4 or 5 times a day my students, my family, and my co-workers have been advising me on what I should and shouldn't do to help my cold. What they don't realize is that, in the end, it's a damn cold and it will go away on its own as long as I'm not running around naked in ice puddles. So, whatever they tell me I should buy (and trust me I already have a list of about 10 things that have been recommended to me) I'm not going to do it. There's a reason there is no cure for the common cold and that's because THERE'S NO CURE, PEOPLE! Doesn't matter if I stand on my head and recite the alphabet backwards while rubbing Vick's on my forehead, this shit will not go away until it wants to. That being said, I've had to drink at least 4 hot lemon waters with honey in the last two days. I'm too sick to argue anymore. Now I just smile and nod and tell everyone I'll go out right away and buy whatever dumbass thing they think will work. And then I run over to other sick people and tell them how to get rid of their hiccups and nosebleeds because, in the end, I'm only human folks. And, damn it, I want to be right all the time too.

Runny noses,
- E

Boobigail Day.

Happy Birthday Abigail Salas. Also, happy day to remember when we saw Keenan at SNL and you were like "OMG! keeeeeeenan!" in a yelled whisper to me as he walked past us. Also, happy day to remember I am completely responsible for the existence of this picture. Also, happy day to remember Keenan's ghetto ass friends and the fact that he was probably high. But, mostly HAPPY BIRTHDAY you son of a bitch (no offense to your mother).



Also, this will be the last birthday that I publish because this shit is getting old AND it's all down hill after I put up an awesome picture of Keenan. So, unless you can somehow wing a picture of yourself with Keenan AND Kel, no one will care about your birthday on this blog. Except me. I care about things when I'm not being all dead inside.

Yay!

Loves,
- E

Waiting for Godot.

I had this really interesting conversation with one of my students the other day about Chile having a woman president and how much the culture does not reflect that fact. It's too bad I can't stream it here for you because, trust me, I said some intelligent things. But anyhoo...

All I've done since I arrived in this country is wait. I'm not sure how anyone gets anything done here. It's exactly like being at Disney World in the summer — where you have to wait an hour to get on any ride — except everyone here is a grouchy bitch. On any given day I spend endless amounts of minutes waiting for buses, students, buses, subways, bank tellers, cousins to get out of the shower, food, my next class, my co-workers, CD players to work properly, heaters to start working, the internet to stop being fucked up, buses, my boss to stop talking....I could go on. It's not that I didn't wait for things in the states, it's just that I didn't wait quite as much or quite as often just to be greeted by grouchy bitches. All I'm saying is, I know being a bank teller sucks (been there, done that), but do you think I LIKE waiting in line for an hour?! I mean, does that seem like a fun thing for me to do? No. But do I show up to the window acting like a bitch? No again.

I'm thinking the whole country needs to go through some customer service training and I would be very willing to conduct it. The rules would be similar to the following:

Rule #1 Stop being grouchy bitches.
Rule #2 You work in CUSTOMER SERVICE you jerks. Provide some damn service.
Rule #3 I understand that you hate your life but, um, don't make me hate mine.
Rule #4 No one should have to wait in line for an hour on the second floor at the bank when there are 'client only' tellers doing NOTHING downstairs.
Rule #5 Learn the meaning of the word efficient.
Rule #6 How can you be such pleasant humans when you are not working and such terrible customer service representatives. Balance that kindness out, kids. Balance it out.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand scene.
- E

Banana phone needs no introduction.!

Psychology

Since I've been in Chile I've met at least three people who are psychologists or studying psychology. Not sure how you feel about it, but to me that seems like a lot. So, in honor of them we're going to play a little word/phrase association game. Actually, it doesn't count because I'm thinking up the words and phrases myself and so really I'm only including ones that I care to mention and blatantly leaving out things I have no opinion or thoughts on whatsoever. So, this basically has nothing to do with psychology at all, but I thought it would be fun. Here goes...

bus drivers: should never wink at me. ever.

beans: is it neccessary to eat them every other day?

gas: often caused by beans. also, not only uncomfortable but very inconvenient.

foreign internet: the purpose of internet is for it to work, not for it to not work, right?

business people: i hate them more and more each day.

drinking games: something an english student would enjoy, don't you think?

jodie foster: not that I didn't love the fact that Kofi Annan spoke at our graduation, but why do we have to be in between Bono and Jodie Foster? that seems unfair. damn you, university of pennsylvania!

wentworth miller: gay or not? what do you think?

jewish chileans: there's like 10 of them and i've already met half! incredible.

8am: should not exist.

the difference between 'fuck up' and 'fuck off': one of those things you really don't analyze much until someone asks you about it.

meat: much better than beans.

the da vinci code: why do i hate it and really want to see it at the same time? UGH.

baby wipes: can be used for faces or butts. versatile little things, aren't they?

the fact that abby keeps talking about the finale of will and grace: makes me question her tastes and sanity at the same time.

bosses: should not speak to you as if you are five years old. not speaking of anyone in particular (cough*myboss*cough) but seriously, cut it out already.



and there you have it friends. a little glimpse into the world of me. analyze away.

- E

Not that I should care, but in light of the news that Jack Black and his wife are expecting a baby, I have one very important question:

when the hell did jack black get married?!

Please don't tell me Angelina had that damn baby already and the world is about to collapse. Where have I been?

- E

p.s. madonna sucks. a lot.

My parents are weird.

Do you ever feel like someone is just sooooooo completely insane there is no way you're going to reason with them? Like, you may as well be reasoning with your dog's butt? I often feel that way about my father. That being said, the following is a conversation we just had online about Jon Stewart who I USED to find really attractive.

Please tell me the rest of you have these kinds of conversations with your parents. Also, when you reach the end please make a mental note of who won the argument.

Dad: i'm watching the daily show

Me: i love jon stewart. He’s funny

Dad: and he looks just like my father

Me: EEEEWWW NO HE DOESNT

Dad: o yes he does

Me: oh no he doesn’t
Me: was ur father a ridiculously hilarious jewish man? NO

Dad: I mean physically and you didn't see my father when he was about fifty and yes he probably was JEWISH

Me: OMG. what...the...hell?
Me: why do you and mom INSIST that we're jewish?

Dad: MOM? what does she has of jewish?
Dad: You know the last name Salvo is most probably Jewish origin

Me: mom thinks we're jewish because of the anemia and please don’t start with that last name bullshit. this is how u tried to convince me our last name is italian
Me: it’s not

Dad: but the main thing is that jon stewart looks JUST like my father
Dad: I’m looking at him. I know what I am talking about. Even your brother think so

Me: omg. That’s sick. you have totally ruined jon stewart for me now. thanks a lot.

Dad: you’re welcome. what do you have against my father?

Me: i dont have anything against him. i just don’t want to be attracted to him

Dad: oh come on you can't be attracted to jon stewart. he could be your grandpa

Me: no he can’t!
Me: how old do you think he is? or rather, how old do you think i am?

Dad: he must be in his sixties and you are just 23, so there you go he could be your grandpa

Me: HE'S NOT IN HIS 60S!!!!!!

Dad: how old do you think he is?

Me: omg, this conversation is so disturbing
Me: he's a lot younger than u dad, i'll tell u that much

Dad: Well he is about my age I think

Me: NO
Me: he was born in 1962
Me: he's a good 11 years younger than u

Dad: how do you know?

Me: i just looked it up

Dad: they lie about their ages all the time

Me: i cant believe u thought he was in his 60s
Me: omg, its not a lie! he's in his 40s
Me: and also, i dont wanna marry the guy. I’m just saying i used to find him a handsome man

Dad: he looks just as old as Willie Nelson that is on his show right now

Me: omg, either u r completely insane or ur blind
Me: I’m not kidding

Dad: Because he looks like your grandpa when he was young?

Me: 'when he was young' behind the operative phrase there

Dad: well, ok I'll give you that much

Not-So-Universal Symbols.

When I worked at XPN, Chris Williams — one of the greatest humans in the universe — and I developed a whole set of universal symbols that everyone should apply to their daily lives. (I think there were just four or five actually.) Unfortunately, I cannot show or explain them to you so you'll just have to figure them out on your own. But, the point is that universal symbols exist and should be — as their title suggests — universal.

I have discovered one that isn't: the upper arm touch.

What man in this world doesn't know by now that when a girl giggles and touches his upper arm, what she's basically saying is "I love you?" I mean, honestly. Do you think we do that kind of thing just for shits and giggles? You're not that funny and your muscles are not impressive enough to merit spontaneous touching. Now you know.

The problem is people in Chile are very friendly. So much so that I probably have to give an average of 20 kisses on the cheek on any given day. At first it seemed kind of sweet, but then you have to start giving kisses on the cheek to random people you've just been introduced to, or random people you haven't been introduced to that happen to be at the same place at the same time as you, and then it's not so cute anymore. I'm developing a serious fear of strange cheeks. But, anyway, people here are friendly and so they take any kind of touchy-feely gesture as one of friendliness and nothing else. Do you see the dilemna? I mean, how do people get together in this country? There's clearly no real flirting going on. They're definitely not doing the upper arm grab or anything that involves touching. God, I hope they're not just running around winking at each other or something. That would be weird.

Secrets shall be uncovered soon (I hope.) Spill the beans if you have any.

Loves (not in the touch-your-arm-cause-i-love-you way, though),
- E

Never Be Hungry Again.

Here is a surefire way to always have something to eat:

Go to a crowded bus station on a long weekend. Wait until you find a group of women waiting for a bus to the beach who just purchased some delicious looking pastries. Give it time and eventually the most pathetic of the group will emerge. One of the other women will hand her the most delicious of the pastries — probably some kind of cinnamon/almond thing — and then she will hesitate for just a moment before eating. She'll glance over the pastry, thinking about how delicious it is but also realizing it's 8am and, damn it, she's tired. When this happens you run up DIRECTLY behind her, look very hungry and homeless and say something like "can I have a piece?" Then watch the expression of defeat as she hands you the whole damn pastry because she can't very well just give you a piece, now can she? You jerk.

This also works if you are a small homeless child and said pathetic-looking girl has just purchased an ice cream.

The art of ruining Eugenia's snacks: never fails.

- E

The Office

I have to post right now because I just finished watching the season finale of The Office and I think I'm actually going to die at this very moment. That was probably one of the most incredible things I think I've ever seen in my life and it's made me insanely happy and ridiculously miserable all at the same time. I'm literally crying. JIM!!! Why is he the most incredible human to appear on television ever? Please tell me I'm not alone here.

Jim!! And Pam!! My god. How am I supposed to live after having watched that episode? HOW?! It's just not possible. Single tear running down his face!!! I can't stand it.

I want someone to say those things to me, and if it happens to be chubby-faced John Krasinski, even better.

- E

p.s. apparently Steve Carell (whose Chilean doppelganger I have already seen) wrote the episode. Someone declare that man a genius already. Wait, I just did. Bravo Carell, bravo.

p.p.s. Michael: "You are the Eva Peron to my Cesar Chavez." How can I not love this show?

New Notebook.

I needed a notebook to keep track of the hours I'm working so I know they paid me properly. So, I go into this store and I see this notebook (I swear I heard music at that very moment) and I had to get it. It has Spongbob (Bob Esponja) on the cover. He's on a scooter. Driving. Typical happy Spongbob face. And right below him it says the following:

"Love feelin' the wind in my holes."

Do you ever feel like you're the only one who can truly, TRULY appreciate how hilarious something is?

- E

Protestin'

I've always wanted to take part in a real protest. Not because I care enough about something to spend my day(s) standing on streets and yelling, but because, well, doesn't it seem like fun?

I understand that if people are protesting it means that some wrong is being done and it's possible that standing and holding up paper with words written on it and yelling things doesn't seem like a very practical way to get it fixed, but imagine feeling so passionately about something — even for only a moment —? that you are willing to join a bunch of other clowns in some public venue to protest. I say this because it seems everything in Chile gets protested. A few weeks ago I passed a protest downtown in front of the capital building that had something to do witpoliticalal prisoners. Not sure who these political prisoners are, or why there arpoliticalal prisoners in a country that, in theory, is not in political turmoil, but that's what that sign said I'm sticking with it.

I wanted to join them. Really badly. First cause it seemed like a much better alternative than going to work and second because it was a damn good excuse to yell things in public. Never miss an opportunity to yell in public. But, I thought better of it because I had no idea who's these 'prisoners' were and I can't very well cheer for the wrong side. Oh, the price I pay for being an ignorant bastard is a high one.

A few days ago the big thing on the news was that a bunch of high school kids gathered downtown to protest the fact that they get charged for the Chilean equivalent of the SATs, which they all need to get into a university. They want free standardized tests. This, I thought, was quite a noble cause and although the little brats started vandalizing things and setting them on fire, I still gave them credit for the effort. They appreciated my credit-giving, of course. Each one of them. Individually.

The whole protest fever makes me wonder two things: 1) is anyone getting anything accomplished here with all this ruckusus? 2) Why doesn't this happen more often in the states? People need to complain in public more. Does anyone remember some kind of walk-out at Penn that none of us took part in? Oh, if I could go back, I'd walk out like you've never seen anyone walk out before. And just for show, I'd walk on water too. It's part of my magic trick. C'mon!

Keep on rockin' in the free world,
- E

Smartest People In The World

There's this really funny thing that happens everytime I tell someone that I was born in Chile but raised in the states. Invitably they're response is "But, you don't speak spanish like a 'gringa.'" That means I don't have a damn accent, or rather that I speak with a Chilean accent. I'm still unsure why this is SOOOOOO surprising to everyone, but regardless that's how it is. Then they kind of look at me like I must be really smart or some kind of language wizard because I can speak spanish like a human. That's kind of fun.

I'll tell you what's not fun: the people at my stupid cell phone company. The downside to speaking like a human is that I give off the appearance of having lived my whole life in Chile but in actuality I didn't. So, I probably understand about 60% of what anyone says at any given time. That's just reality. These people talk a lot of shit, so most of the stuff I understand in context and usually I assume that what I don't understand isn't very important. (Usually I'm right.) But, I can't do that when the cell phone company calls because I can't dismiss comments away with a gesture or a facial expression over the phone. But, I sound like I'm Chilean and I own a Chilean cell phone. Point is the moron cell phone people think I'm an idiot.

It happens like this: First they call me to offer me some ridiculous promotion or some stupid contest I don't want to be a part of, second I answer the phone because I think it might be someone from work calling me, third I spend the whole conversation going "WHAT?!" ("actually "QUE?!") while the cell phone guy says things like "a promotion. Do you know what a promotion is?!" at which point the guy fucking pisses me off and I say something along the lines of "you know what? I'm really busy and you're using up my cell phone minutes. I don't want it, whatever it is! BYE!" and I hang up.

This happens about once every other day. On the days that they don't call me they send me text messages to remind me I can refill my phone minutes anytime I want, as if that wasn't obvious.

So, if you're feeling adventurous take a gander at the smartest group of people in the world, also known as the folks at Movistar and if you are feeling particularly frisky, send them a complaint note and tell them to leave me the fuck alone. But do it eloquently please. I don't want to seem crass.

Loves,
E

Kevin Lo Saved My Life. Now I Ruin Yours.

Thanks to one Mr. K. Lo I am able to download all of the shows that I am missing while I am away, which is great because now the only TV that I watch is on my computer. No thanks to my brother who should have known this was possible and could have very easily explained how to do it when I complained on a daily basis that I wouldn't be able to watch my darling Wentworth break out of prison.

On that note, I have no one to talk to about the shows I watch, so you're just going to have to read my comments because I need to say these things to someone.

FIrst, HOW GOOD is Prison Break getting?! Oh man. OH...MAN. That's all I can say. When he kissed the doctor, I think I died. And Nick? What the hell. I don't understand the connection between him and the scary Jesus/Mafia guy. I guess he works for him but, what the hell. And he said only three people were gonna be on the plane. Do those threee include him because if they do then it's obviously Michael and his brother, but if it's three in addition to him I think he'd take the old man. Although, the old man might die, but only if his daughter dies first. See what I mean?! GOOD.

Second, did anyone watch Lane's wedding on Gilmore Girls? I really didn't like the way they handled it. And also I would have enjoyed a wedding night scene, even a brief one. Especially since they made a huge deal about Lane being a virgin until she gets married and I bet that shit would have been HIlarious. And what's with Luke's daughter's mother? What a dumb slut. She's the one who let her daughter go out doing DNA tests in the first place. Luke should just grow some balls. And, is it wrong I'm kind of starting to like Logan, although Rory should soooooo have hooked up with Jess (who by the way is her boyfriend in real life. Cute.).

Don't tell me what happens in the second part of the House where Foreman is sick but Foreman just becomes less and less likable every episode. And Wilson slept with the cancer girl! Whaaaaa? I think House and Cameron will hook up eventually. So jealous = me.

When the hell is the stupid ass on How I Met Your Mother going to meet their mother already? We know it's not Robin and also, WHY would he be telling his kids these stories? Doesn't make sense. But that Victoria girl had a weird mouth thing that really bothered me so I'm glad she's gone.

Phew. Now I feel better.

- E

Rockin' the 3D glasses

Thought I owed this one to the kid, who I am sincerely missing after having met many many horrible children here in Chile.



Do I look like death or what?

How adorable is this crazy animal? I miss this bastard. Insane....desire...to...squeeze...him....eeeeeeeeeeeee

Coke, as in Coca-Cola

When I reinvented this here aloe-covered dictionary, I thought I would quickly run out of things to write about. But, it seems either Chile is endlessly fascincating or I'm slightly psychotic. Either way, here are some things I have been thinking about or have seen in the last few days. They would have all been separate posts, but blogger is a giant pain in my ass and was all fucked up. So enjoy the condensed version.

- Mullets. When were mullets a good haircut choice? I sure would like to go back to that town meeting. I cannot understand why everyone in Chile seems to think the mullet is a good look. Drastic measures must be taken to end this immediately.

- I never realized how much the word 'Coke' sounds like 'cock.' Man, if I got a penny for everytime I stiffle a giggle when one of my students says 'cock' instead of 'coke,' i wouldn't need students anymore.

- It seems everyone I know has a Chilean doppelganger and I am determined to find them all. So far I've seen Chilean Alex Koppelman, Chilean Yona Silverman, Chilean Matt Levitt, Chilean Steve Carrell (not actually someone I know), Chilean Matias (I guess he kind of is Chilean, so just his doppelganger then) and I've seen about 3 wannabe Chilean Abigail Salases but I can't cross that one off my list just yet. Next up: Chilean Kevin Lo, Chilean John P. Carroll, Chilean Mark Kelly, Chilean Victoria Cancelli and, of course, Chilean Ryan Adams — who shall not escape me.

- I saw this transvestite on the bus the other day. I'll tell you, either that guy was insane and actually thought he looked like a woman or he is just ballsy as all hell (HA! no pun intended!). Either way, I went out of my way to sit next to him and admire the madness of a man dressed as a woman in a country sooooooo fucking homophobic you can almost taste it. So, way to go crazy and/or very courageous man/woman. You are a true rock star.

- I was looking at people's pictures on facebook when I should have been sleeping and I got to thinking that I miss college and I miss hanging out with people who aren't hispanic. That's all.

- One of my students has SEVEN children. I told him he was just like the captain in The Sound of Music and he gave me that same look my parents give me when she I KNOW they did not understand what I said but they have no interest in asking me to explain it. This is why people miss half of the awesome things I say. Stupid Chilean Captain Von Trapp.

- One of my students today was super smart, spoke really well, was incredibly enthusiastic, really sweet, can communicate like a human, was wearing the cutest outfit I have seen on a boy since I got here (in a manly way, of course), is completelty adorable AND he works at Bacardi. In marketing. Where he makes a shitload of money. What's my point? Someone make this man's wife and kids disappear immediately.

This weekend I get to go to my cousin's 7th birthday party. I need a good reminder as to why I never want to have children. Wish me luck.

Loves,
E

Sweet Heaven (Kind of like Jane, but coffee-flavored

You know that commercial where the guy is sitting at his computer surfing the web and all of a sudden a screen comes up that says "You have reached the end of the internet?" Well, today I made a discovery so grand that I felt like I had reached the end of civilized society and I was free to go back and enjoy of all the things that I rushed past on the way there.

I found a Starbucks.

I know! It's giant news. I sat. I marveled. I literally stood mouth agape at the cash register and stared for just a moment as the order-taker girl asked what I wanted. What did I order? I think it's pretty obvious. A tall caramel frapuccino, except I had to say "un frapuccino de caramel. alto." They had it listed as 'caramel' which is not a spanish word. That was kind of weird, but still in some way soothing. Sure the damn thing cost about the same as a three course meal and I didn't really feel like having coffee, but how could I turn away?

Now, I've had my fix and I can go back to normal life knowing that I can never again set foot in that magical, Starbucks-having land called Mall Plaza Vespucio.

Man, I am really tired.

Loves,
E

p.s. today I got in trouble for wearing sneakers that I THOUGHT would go unnoticed. What's say we test out how many more things will get banned from my work wardrobe?

Shameless

Everyone please take a moment to linger on over to my profile (at your right, where it says 'profile') which I have lovingly updated with actual information. There isn't anything particularly interesting, I just don't want to feel like I spent my time thinking about interests if no one will actually read them.

Thank you. Come again.

- E

This weekend I drank an Absolut Raspberry and tonic and then had some really oily french fries with my cousin and his fiancee. Then we got up early the next day to see the house/hall where they will have their wedding reception. There was a lot of talk of colors and dresses and cakes and buffets. Needless to say I am not feeling so well today, mostly cause of the fries but also cause of the wedding talk which I think actually made me dizzy.

Either way, there are buses rides and students awaitin´. I got to thinking this morning (on le bus, of course) about how much life is played out on the bus. I mean I´ve seen people throw up, break up, make up and make out. Not all on one bus ride, but close. Then there was the whole bee thing and the wallet being stolen and the lady who very easily dissimilated the fact that she was blind (How do blind people know what bus they´re getting on and when to get off? I swear I didn´t see her ask!) not to mention all the other hundreds of things I´ve alreay seen on the many bus rides I´ve taken. You think this happens in other places, or are people here just so open about shit that they really don´t mind everyone watching them eat each other alive and/or fight? It´s very bizarre. Already I can write a whole book on shit I´ve seen take place on the bus. The subway, meanwhile, is always crowded but somehow much less interesting.

(Sidebar: don´t you hate the feeling that someone is reading over your shoulder? You know what´s worse? Them blatantly reading over your shoulder. No respect. Sheesh. - STOP READING YOU ASS. This is for the internets, not for you.)

I've been trying to post for several days now and Blogger was all fucked up. So, pardon my disappearance but it was all blogger's fault. Either way, the previous two posts were from last week and more things will follow.

Loves,
E

Ballerina Day

Today I did the most awesome thing I think I've ever done and I can thank my darling boss for it. Yesterday, because of the unseasonably warm weather, I decided to wear a skirt to work. Nothing special, just a skirt, long enough so that I won't get chastised for not being formal enough. So, when I walk into work my boss looks at me and says, "Wow, you look pretty today. I hope you will look this pretty tomorrow morning when you go meet the new group." (!) Can we just take a moment to think about ALL of the things that are wrong with that comment?! I mean, what...the...hell? So today I rebelled in the only and best way I know how.

The only way to describe how I looked this morning would be something like ‘ballerina clown,’ except all in blue, which makes it confusing and yet awesome. The most fantastic part was that all of my clothes were formal enough so that she couldn’t say, “you have to wear business attire.” The was the idea, she couldn’t say anything. So, she walked in and she looks at me and she gives me this look that says, ‘I’ll comment on your attire later.’ I laughed and laughed. Actually, I literally laughed every time I saw my reflection in a mirror.

Man, homegirl needs to get off of my jockstrap and stop commenting on every item of clothing I wear. My next move will be to bring in a detailed log of everything I own and just tell her that she should pick out an outfit for me every evening and just let me know what I should wear the next day. You think that will go over well?

Grouch City,
E

Too much math.

I live in constant fear that I have miscalculated the time. You are asking yourself (the computer) "Eugenia, why do you need to calculate the time?" Well, I'll tell you. It's all because of something called military time. Now, this may come as a shock to some of you but I've never been in the military and, frankly, I don't see the purpose of military time. Actually, that's a lie. I do see the purpose, I just genuinely believe that the military time ship has sailed. If the whole world hasn't adapted to using military time all the time, then, well, just throw in the towel guys. I'm pretty sure that if someone tells me I need to teach a class at 1:00, I'll know that they mean 1pm and not 1am. Plus, then I can avoid all of that pesky math I have to do to figure out what the hell time I have to be somewhere. Or what time some show is gonna be on TV. It's way more trouble than it's worth. The end result is that I will be sitting on the bus at noon and for the entire hour that the bus takes to get to my job I'm thinking "shit, what time did they say I had class? 13:00? Fuck, what time is that? 1pm? That doesn't seem right. Hmmm, ....13 minus 12. Yeah, one. Fuck, am I sure? What if they said 15:00? What time is that? Hmmm...5 minus 2. 3. 3 o'clock. No, it can't be three. It must be one...son of a bitch..." ....and you get the idea. Then, people like to switch their time telling modes on me. So sometimes they'll say 14:00 but sometimes they'll just say 2:00. And then I am totally jealous at their super fast math skills and I want to yell several things about the uselessness of the metric system.

Eventually it all comes back to buying too much ham. Okay Chile, you got me.

Loves,
E